Goldberg vs. Gaffney

Some of the greatest discussions men can have revolve around those ‘Who’s the greatest of all time’ sports discussions. Kobe v Lebron, Aaron v Bonds, Roethlisberger v The Northside Rapist. These are the Simmons-ian barroom symposiums that men are so prone to engage in. Well, I’m here to lay one of those discussions to rest for good. Which goalie is better? Greg Goldberg or Julie “The Cat” Gaffney??

One thing to consider is how the two became goalies. Both have the ‘Chip on the Shoulder’ history that drives the greatest athletes. Goldberg is your classic “fat kid”. Clearly incapable of playing a field position due to his hilarious childhood obesity, they stick him in goal. Similarly, Gaffney is the girl on the boys’ team that no one wanted or believed in. They put her in goal because a girl couldn’t possibly handle the speed and tenacity of the attack and defensive positions.

There are two possible responses to the marginalization the two faced. 1) Use it as a fuel for that Kobe Bryant fire that burns inside and drives them to violent, hateful on ice performance, or 2) be further marginalized and eventually driven from effectiveness. That competitive fire is in Julie Gaffney (that’s not the only thing I wish was in Julie Gaffney, no pedo). But Goldberg on the other hand, the only burning in him is that urgent need to release flatulence on the nearest nerd. Now, if given the choice of who I have to go to war with, I’ll take the fighter over the farter (though farts remain unequivocally hilarious).

Consider a moment the career trajectories of both Goldberg and Gaffney. Goldberg was at his peak performance when his considerable mass, combined with as-of-yet unskilled forwards produced a force to be reckoned with in the goal. He’s comparable to a player like Wilt Chamberlain who benefitted from mostly white competition and no goaltending rules. Goldberg’s peak was somewhere around the first film or shortly thereafter. As the players get faster and more skilled, Goldberg’s effectiveness falls off due to his love of smoked deli meats and disdain for practice.

Gaffney, however, is moving in the opposite direction of her portly competition. Naturally fast glove combined with a desire to prove herself makes for an up and coming talent. Her peak would be the years following D2 as her confidence is cemented and her skills flourish. Let’s take a look at some game footage:

I think Coach Bombay’s decision to go with Gaffney with everything on the line says more than I ever could. If I have to sign only one player to a five year deal following the Games, I choose Gaffney. No question. Also, would she really need to memorize his movements if he plans on stopping for nine seconds before he shoots?

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