Prepare Your Anus…

I’m perusing Amazon’s robust offering of bargain bin priced Blu-Rays when I stumble upon what has to be the biggest bargain of them all. George Lopez presents… a George Lopez film… Starring George Lopez…

Obviously, this story is important because of the bear wearing sunglasses, as I’ve said before, animals in sunglasses on your dvd box art is like that Wagyu beef seal of quality seared right on the filet.

Direct to dvd films are some of the greatest sources of entertainment out there and I didn’t want anyone to miss this. Also, Jane Lynch sucks. I can happily report I haven’t watched a single episode of Glee and I haven’t enjoyed anything she’s done. Quit bothering movie goers with your tired shtick, Miss Lynch. But you’ll never hear me complain about the bear in sunglasses shtick being tired so keep that up.

I’d like to play a quick game where I’ll list things that I predict will happen in this film based on the poster and a thorough knowledge of fish out of water camping movies. 1. Pooping in the woods. This is a must when city slickers head to the mountains. Someone will at some point have to use the facilities and expect a Four Seasons lobby bathroom (you know, the ones with mouth wash and lotions) and will be stunned to learn they are expected to go outdoors. 2. Encounter with some wild native or bat shit crazy hunter/trapper. Normally, you need to go to remote areas of Saskatchewan or some such place to encounter legitimate mountain people, but not in these movies. The wildly unpredictable hunter/trapper has decided to live and hunt (quite illegally) about a mile from the parking lot of the National Forest nearest to a major city. 3. Nut shot. There’s no way George Lopez fumbles through an hour and a half of inexperienced tent set up and trail navigation without hitting himself in the penis with something. 4. Exceedingly long fall. George Lopez will almost certainly be navigating his reluctant girl’s troop on a two mile hike as they scoff and act shocked that Blackberries don’t work in the woods and he’ll be looking confusedly at the map when he trips and falls down a hill or the very waterfall they were searching for or something. He will fall a distance roughly five times farther than what a normal human would even have a remote chance of walking away from.

Now, I’m sure I’ll never actually watch this movie, but if I did, I’m sure I’d be proven correct.

I couldn't find a cast photo from Mr. Troop Mom so I photoshopped George Lopez onto Roman Polanski's Christmas Card

Roman…? Would you like to respond for some witty repartee??

RP: Huh? *looks up from book* Them? What's she? 16? Call me four years ago. *sips Rum Punch, continues reading*

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