Bad Guy of the Week

Well it’s a new year, that means a whole new round of badasses to recognize for feats of outright badassery. Let’s get things off to a wonderful start with a man that should need no introduction, a villainous turn so deliciously sinful that it reminded us why we love these bad guys to begin with.

Say something about his denim overalls… I fucking dare you…

Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man!!! Demolition Man is one of those films that just gets better with age, like a fine wine. No, wait, fine wine is like Demolition Man. I won’t insult such a quality film by comparing it to other things, when you’re the standard-bearer for excellence like Demolition Man is, things are compared to you. Not vice versa. Anyway, it takes a tremendous effort to match up eye to eye with Sly at the top of his game (well not hard to literally match up eye to eye as Stallone is only about 5’8″). But the early 90’s Stallone was the baddest dude in town so to say that Simon Phoenix matches and surpasses Sly? And have it be true? Fantastic work. Simon gleefully scoffs at the dystopian future’s strict normative social code. Harsh language, MDKs, illegal weapon procurement. Nothing is off limits.

Mr. Phoenix cleverly uses his wardrobe as an allusion to the clear disconnect between the post apocalyptic future often foretold in popular culture versus the reality of the mundane future he has encountered. His, what we’ll call Post-Apocalyptic Chic, tire body armor is a playful jab at the audience’s expectations of Mad Max when they are seeing more of an Ayn Rand Brave New World.

A match-up made in dude heaven.

Also, Simon Phoenix is not just a lonewolf, mad-dog killer type. He’s a leader of men. Take a look here at Mr. Phoenix’s bold vision of the future’s future and also note his tremendous ability to reach his audience.

Tremendous work out there, Simon. Keep up the great work.

Simon Phoenix is a trendsetter whose impact is still being felt.

Bad Guy of the Week Runner Up:

Bennet from Commando. This one is a tough call. First of all, no man shares the screen with Arnold. Arnold helps himself to whatever screen time he desires and then what’s left is divided amongst the lesser actors Arnold has allowed to appear with him in the film. So, as we all know, Commando is one of the most badass films in film history. It’s like a key bump of cocaine followed by ninety more key bumps, followed by a GWAR concert. Arnold is at peak ripped-ness, yoked-ness, and all around perfect in every masculine pursuit.

Arete-Manly Excellence

Arnold doesn’t own one single wood burning unit in his home, the lumberjacking is just for spite, or fun, there’s no difference to John Matrix. Arnold’s superior bicep definition can only be matched by… uh… nothing. Bennett was overmatched from the get-go.

Here’s a rule I try and live by, when I get a haircut, or some facial hair, or a new outfit, I look at it and say, “Does this make me look more or less like Freddy Mercury?” If the answer is more, I do not do that thing. If the answer is less, it is tentatively safe to do that thing. Bennett shows blatant disregard for this maxim,

Freddy Mercury actually looks more badass than Bennett does.

I apologize for this turd in the punch bowl finishing runner-up, you can only imagine the dearth of candidates this week.

He'd win a good looks contest with a mirror.


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