Best Films of 2010

Here is my belated take on the ubiquitous ‘Best Of’ list. I’m going to do it a little different because, quite honestly, I’ve been a terrible movie goer the last few months. I’ve somehow just discovered Dexter and The Wire, add to this the fact that Netflix added almost every MST3K to Instant and it’s a recipe for me to never leave my shitty apartment in Hoboken slick ass Manhattan loft. So, I haven’t been to a movie since Jackass 3D, and missed nearly every legitimate movie that has come out in the last five months. Also my tastes are so simple that my top five films would take about four sentences. Numbers 1-3 on my list are The Expendables. 4 is Winter’s Bone. 5 is an Alexis Texas vid i saw on RedTube last week. Correction: my top five list just took three sentences. So I’m going to take Newsweek’s best of 2010 list and add my educated insights (dick jokes) to it. Why Newsweek? Because after much debate amongst myself and fellow internet movie gentry I have concluded it to be the most prestigious film list of the year; also it showed up first on a google search for “best movies 2010+fart“.

So in the words of my favorite completely pointless sorta-host of a television show… ALLEZ FILM!!

1. A Prophet

… … … … Oh i was just waiting for someone to say “Oh yea, I saw or have even heard of this snobbery queef of a film and it was great!” I’ve never heard of this movie. Apparently it’s a prison movie of some sort made by a French person. I love prison films, I think every man does. But with all due respect to the Jazz lovin’, fart sniffers at Newsweek, the prison film was perfected in 1989 with a little flick I call Lock Up starring a one Sylvester Stallone.

The word "Stallone" remains in English on the poster because its translation in arabic means "unstoppable impregnating rod" and was deemed inappropriate for public display

By the way, the lead character in this film undergoes all his monstrous changes and tribulations during his leeengthy six year sentence *rolls eyes* My buddy Gay Dave went to Ryker’s for five years over a parking spot at a Giants playoff game. This French doofus couldn’t hold Red from Shawshank’s jock. Next!

2. Winter’s Boner

Touche, Newsweek, touche. I did really like this one. The film is, as they put it, “Part crime thriller, part coming-of-age story, part Southern Gothic, Winter’s Bone has the nightmarish beauty and timeless power of a Grimm fable.”
Uhh *puts down hotdog, tries to wipe mustard stain off short sleeve button down shirt* yea what they said.

3. Fish Tank

Another one I must’ve missed at Snob-con. Something about a rambunctious underage girl discovering sexuality and battling to come of age into her own amidst social pressure and blah blah blah. I liked this indie Sundance darling when it was called Thirteen, L.I.E or Swimming Pool. Critics are suckers for this kind of crap. How come the FBI and neighborghood alliance seem so concerned about my interest in underage girls’ sexual awakenings but when some hipster chick makes an indie movie about the same thing she’s “explosive” and “thought provoking”. I say shenanigans on this double standard.

4. The Kids Are Alright

Jesus, California, enough already, I get it, you want equal rights for gays. Fine. Quid pro quo, i vote Yea if you throw me a bone and make sure all lesbians appearing in film look like this

We have movies that take place in Ancient Persia and star a white American Jake Gyllenhaal with a shitty British accent. Tom Cruise played a WWII Nazi officer that spoke modern American English with no discernible accent. It’s not too much to pretend all lesbians look like this.

5. The King’s Speech

Man, if I had a nickel for every Colin Firth historical biopic I had to sit through every year, I would have no nickels. But if I had a nickel for every Colin Firth historical biopic that came out that I didn’t even consider going to see, I’d have a shit-ton of nickels. This one is something, something speech impediment something something Helena Bonham Carter blah blah who cares. Here’s a man battling a speech impediment that I’d like to see a little more of

Newsweek goes on to list more snobby films that no one should want to see but my eyes hurt from all the rolling so I’m gonna quit for now. Also, they leave inception off the list which is pretty douchey. I have not read one compelling, reasonable argument why Inception is not awesome. Newsweek is just being a jerk.


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