Archive for January, 2011

Prepare Your Anus…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 27, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

I’m perusing Amazon’s robust offering of bargain bin priced Blu-Rays when I stumble upon what has to be the biggest bargain of them all. George Lopez presents… a George Lopez film… Starring George Lopez…

Obviously, this story is important because of the bear wearing sunglasses, as I’ve said before, animals in sunglasses on your dvd box art is like that Wagyu beef seal of quality seared right on the filet.

Direct to dvd films are some of the greatest sources of entertainment out there and I didn’t want anyone to miss this. Also, Jane Lynch sucks. I can happily report I haven’t watched a single episode of Glee and I haven’t enjoyed anything she’s done. Quit bothering movie goers with your tired shtick, Miss Lynch. But you’ll never hear me complain about the bear in sunglasses shtick being tired so keep that up.

I’d like to play a quick game where I’ll list things that I predict will happen in this film based on the poster and a thorough knowledge of fish out of water camping movies. 1. Pooping in the woods. This is a must when city slickers head to the mountains. Someone will at some point have to use the facilities and expect a Four Seasons lobby bathroom (you know, the ones with mouth wash and lotions) and will be stunned to learn they are expected to go outdoors. 2. Encounter with some wild native or bat shit crazy hunter/trapper. Normally, you need to go to remote areas of Saskatchewan or some such place to encounter legitimate mountain people, but not in these movies. The wildly unpredictable hunter/trapper has decided to live and hunt (quite illegally) about a mile from the parking lot of the National Forest nearest to a major city. 3. Nut shot. There’s no way George Lopez fumbles through an hour and a half of inexperienced tent set up and trail navigation without hitting himself in the penis with something. 4. Exceedingly long fall. George Lopez will almost certainly be navigating his reluctant girl’s troop on a two mile hike as they scoff and act shocked that Blackberries don’t work in the woods and he’ll be looking confusedly at the map when he trips and falls down a hill or the very waterfall they were searching for or something. He will fall a distance roughly five times farther than what a normal human would even have a remote chance of walking away from.

Now, I’m sure I’ll never actually watch this movie, but if I did, I’m sure I’d be proven correct.

I couldn't find a cast photo from Mr. Troop Mom so I photoshopped George Lopez onto Roman Polanski's Christmas Card

Roman…? Would you like to respond for some witty repartee??

RP: Huh? *looks up from book* Them? What's she? 16? Call me four years ago. *sips Rum Punch, continues reading*


Cheers to Friday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 7, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

From Brundlefly World HQ: Take a moment as it reaches 9 o clock on the East Coast, to raise a can of your favorite malt wine and toast to the weekend.

Watch some NFL, watch some Netflix Instant, watch some porn. Do it up right.

I’m Still Here – DVD Review

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 7, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

I’m not sure where to start exactly with this film. Firstly, I assume everyone by now realizes that, as a whole, this documentary is fake. However, that doesn’t do it justice to just dismiss it as fake. Watching the movie you have to be impressed with the entirety of Phoenix’s portrayal of this lost version of himself. Part performance art, part guy who snorts coke off hooker boobs, and part real frustration. It was not an entirely faked persona, but I do think it was intentional.

Documentaries are hard to review. Documentaries seem better suited for discussion. I’m Still Here is not a documentary. It is, in effect, a fiction movie. However, being so anchored in the real world and by bringing real people into the film it is able to make poignant and relevant statements on society, as documentaries usually do best. One point that came across to me was the tremendous gap between celebrities and the vast majority of people. While this is in no way a revelation that celebrities don’t live like us, it is jarring to see this gap from a less glamorous angle than we are used to. Celebrities like Phoenix are so removed from day to day society and the mores and codes associated with it that it isn’t surprising that so many celebrities seem to be bat shit insane. Early in the film, Phoenix brings up the chicken and the egg analogy to discuss himself. And I think it can be broadened to celebrity as a whole in this instance. Do the press and society merely react to and report on celebrities or are they creating these people to begin with? It’s a bizarre and confusing issue that this movie captures well I think.

Another thing I thought was worth mentioning was the moment in the film where they show Ben Stiller impersonating and mocking Phoenix at the Oscars. The crowd roared with laughter as Stiller basically did exactly what Phoenix had been doing for months. (Side note: I’m fully convinced Stiller was doing this at the behest of Affleck and Phoenix so I’m not implying he’s the idiot here.. although he did make Little Fockers so he is an idiot… just not in this particular instance) After Ben Stiller’s impression, the movie shows about 100 or more people impersonating, mocking, explaining Phoenix all on the screen at once to give a sense of the magnitude of the reaction. As I’m watching all these people in fake beards on webcams or whatever else with lame puns or jokes, I’m thinking, Why are they only laughing now? This is the entire thing Phoenix is doing, it has all been a joke but since he didn’t preface it with, “Knock, knock” or something, no one knew it was a joke and didn’t laugh. I think it speaks to the ridiculous ‘follow the leader’ game that our popular culture is. There are so few originals; people won’t laugh at Phoenix’s joke but they’ll laugh at someone else dressing up like Phoenix and doing the same routine. Too few people would take the time to examine or interpret Phoenix for themselves. I don’t think that point is unintentionally made.

There’s some really interesting points about our culture and the notion of celebrity made in this movie and that alone makes it worth watching. It runs about 15 minutes too long, maybe 20. The first two thirds of the film spends too much time on sort of mundane scheduling details of Phoenix’s rap career which slows the film down because the success of his rap album is not the point of the film. The most memorable scenes for me were just the extended shots of the contemplative Phoenix. Those scenes said a lot more than the scattershot early part of the film. The film could be tightened up a bit as it doesn’t seem to have a focus or a coherence for the first part, and it seems all the best moments are in the last thirty or so minutes.

So watch this one. It’s not terribly funny. Not a documentary. Not always totally engaging. But it does have some interesting things to say and should make you think just a little about forming your own opinion and chasing that seemingly lost notion of self-actualization.

Bad Guy of the Week

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

Well it’s a new year, that means a whole new round of badasses to recognize for feats of outright badassery. Let’s get things off to a wonderful start with a man that should need no introduction, a villainous turn so deliciously sinful that it reminded us why we love these bad guys to begin with.

Say something about his denim overalls… I fucking dare you…

Simon Phoenix from Demolition Man!!! Demolition Man is one of those films that just gets better with age, like a fine wine. No, wait, fine wine is like Demolition Man. I won’t insult such a quality film by comparing it to other things, when you’re the standard-bearer for excellence like Demolition Man is, things are compared to you. Not vice versa. Anyway, it takes a tremendous effort to match up eye to eye with Sly at the top of his game (well not hard to literally match up eye to eye as Stallone is only about 5’8″). But the early 90’s Stallone was the baddest dude in town so to say that Simon Phoenix matches and surpasses Sly? And have it be true? Fantastic work. Simon gleefully scoffs at the dystopian future’s strict normative social code. Harsh language, MDKs, illegal weapon procurement. Nothing is off limits.

Mr. Phoenix cleverly uses his wardrobe as an allusion to the clear disconnect between the post apocalyptic future often foretold in popular culture versus the reality of the mundane future he has encountered. His, what we’ll call Post-Apocalyptic Chic, tire body armor is a playful jab at the audience’s expectations of Mad Max when they are seeing more of an Ayn Rand Brave New World.

A match-up made in dude heaven.

Also, Simon Phoenix is not just a lonewolf, mad-dog killer type. He’s a leader of men. Take a look here at Mr. Phoenix’s bold vision of the future’s future and also note his tremendous ability to reach his audience.

Tremendous work out there, Simon. Keep up the great work.

Simon Phoenix is a trendsetter whose impact is still being felt.

Bad Guy of the Week Runner Up:

Bennet from Commando. This one is a tough call. First of all, no man shares the screen with Arnold. Arnold helps himself to whatever screen time he desires and then what’s left is divided amongst the lesser actors Arnold has allowed to appear with him in the film. So, as we all know, Commando is one of the most badass films in film history. It’s like a key bump of cocaine followed by ninety more key bumps, followed by a GWAR concert. Arnold is at peak ripped-ness, yoked-ness, and all around perfect in every masculine pursuit.

Arete-Manly Excellence

Arnold doesn’t own one single wood burning unit in his home, the lumberjacking is just for spite, or fun, there’s no difference to John Matrix. Arnold’s superior bicep definition can only be matched by… uh… nothing. Bennett was overmatched from the get-go.

Here’s a rule I try and live by, when I get a haircut, or some facial hair, or a new outfit, I look at it and say, “Does this make me look more or less like Freddy Mercury?” If the answer is more, I do not do that thing. If the answer is less, it is tentatively safe to do that thing. Bennett shows blatant disregard for this maxim,

Freddy Mercury actually looks more badass than Bennett does.

I apologize for this turd in the punch bowl finishing runner-up, you can only imagine the dearth of candidates this week.

He'd win a good looks contest with a mirror.

Charlie Whitehurst… So Hot Right Now

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 5, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

Watching this past week’s thrilling Sunday Night Football game, I couldn’t help but notice the super handsome Charlie Whitehurst lead his side to victory in a Thrill-A-Minute 13-6 game. After the game was over, I caught my breath and thought, “Wow, who was that majestic man-steed with a flowing mane that just made Tom Brady or Peyton Manning look like drooling vegetables in the pocket?” Two words… Charlie Whitehurst…

But, Charlie is not the first to rock the mane and beard combo. Here’s a quick look at history’s most important man-steeds.

James Brolin as seen in Amityville Horror. The man-steed is a dark and dangerous beast, which James' unfortunate family figures out pretty quick in this talkie.

Kurt Russel in The Thing. In the lonesome frontier of Antarctica, a man must rely on his beard and his beard alone.

Johnny Tapia from Bad Boys II. 'Nuff said.

Ahhh the Persian Pussy Annihilator, Oded Fehr. I read in the Times Sunday Magazine that Oded Fehr beds somewhere between 67-95 women per day. On an off day of course, holidays and days ending in 'Y' he's pretty unstoppable.

Blagh. Boston sucks. But that beard is absolutely breathtaking.

A young Charlie Manson? It's sorta like how many geniuses are also kinda weird and socially retarded, similar with Man-steeds, it's a thin line between cool mysterious and bat-shit insane anarchist.

WWE Superstar CM Punk. Straight Edge mane and tail.

This wraps up all the most important mane and beard combos in modern history.

Tuesday Cruiseday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on January 4, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

I know it has been a while but I figure enjoying the subtle delights of a Tuesday Cruiseday is like riding a bike. Enjoy.

Best Films of 2010

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 3, 2011 by brundleflyonthewall

Here is my belated take on the ubiquitous ‘Best Of’ list. I’m going to do it a little different because, quite honestly, I’ve been a terrible movie goer the last few months. I’ve somehow just discovered Dexter and The Wire, add to this the fact that Netflix added almost every MST3K to Instant and it’s a recipe for me to never leave my shitty apartment in Hoboken slick ass Manhattan loft. So, I haven’t been to a movie since Jackass 3D, and missed nearly every legitimate movie that has come out in the last five months. Also my tastes are so simple that my top five films would take about four sentences. Numbers 1-3 on my list are The Expendables. 4 is Winter’s Bone. 5 is an Alexis Texas vid i saw on RedTube last week. Correction: my top five list just took three sentences. So I’m going to take Newsweek’s best of 2010 list and add my educated insights (dick jokes) to it. Why Newsweek? Because after much debate amongst myself and fellow internet movie gentry I have concluded it to be the most prestigious film list of the year; also it showed up first on a google search for “best movies 2010+fart“.

So in the words of my favorite completely pointless sorta-host of a television show… ALLEZ FILM!!

1. A Prophet

… … … … Oh i was just waiting for someone to say “Oh yea, I saw or have even heard of this snobbery queef of a film and it was great!” I’ve never heard of this movie. Apparently it’s a prison movie of some sort made by a French person. I love prison films, I think every man does. But with all due respect to the Jazz lovin’, fart sniffers at Newsweek, the prison film was perfected in 1989 with a little flick I call Lock Up starring a one Sylvester Stallone.

The word "Stallone" remains in English on the poster because its translation in arabic means "unstoppable impregnating rod" and was deemed inappropriate for public display

By the way, the lead character in this film undergoes all his monstrous changes and tribulations during his leeengthy six year sentence *rolls eyes* My buddy Gay Dave went to Ryker’s for five years over a parking spot at a Giants playoff game. This French doofus couldn’t hold Red from Shawshank’s jock. Next!

2. Winter’s Boner

Touche, Newsweek, touche. I did really like this one. The film is, as they put it, “Part crime thriller, part coming-of-age story, part Southern Gothic, Winter’s Bone has the nightmarish beauty and timeless power of a Grimm fable.”
Uhh *puts down hotdog, tries to wipe mustard stain off short sleeve button down shirt* yea what they said.

3. Fish Tank

Another one I must’ve missed at Snob-con. Something about a rambunctious underage girl discovering sexuality and battling to come of age into her own amidst social pressure and blah blah blah. I liked this indie Sundance darling when it was called Thirteen, L.I.E or Swimming Pool. Critics are suckers for this kind of crap. How come the FBI and neighborghood alliance seem so concerned about my interest in underage girls’ sexual awakenings but when some hipster chick makes an indie movie about the same thing she’s “explosive” and “thought provoking”. I say shenanigans on this double standard.

4. The Kids Are Alright

Jesus, California, enough already, I get it, you want equal rights for gays. Fine. Quid pro quo, i vote Yea if you throw me a bone and make sure all lesbians appearing in film look like this

We have movies that take place in Ancient Persia and star a white American Jake Gyllenhaal with a shitty British accent. Tom Cruise played a WWII Nazi officer that spoke modern American English with no discernible accent. It’s not too much to pretend all lesbians look like this.

5. The King’s Speech

Man, if I had a nickel for every Colin Firth historical biopic I had to sit through every year, I would have no nickels. But if I had a nickel for every Colin Firth historical biopic that came out that I didn’t even consider going to see, I’d have a shit-ton of nickels. This one is something, something speech impediment something something Helena Bonham Carter blah blah who cares. Here’s a man battling a speech impediment that I’d like to see a little more of

Newsweek goes on to list more snobby films that no one should want to see but my eyes hurt from all the rolling so I’m gonna quit for now. Also, they leave inception off the list which is pretty douchey. I have not read one compelling, reasonable argument why Inception is not awesome. Newsweek is just being a jerk.