Site News-Wednesday screening cancelled due to a lack of hustle

Well it’s wednesday. This should mean me rushing to the mega-plex to screen some Friday releases so I can have a review up by early tomorrow morning and my readers will be informed as to whether their friday plans should involve getting blackout drunk and seeing a movie or getting blackout drunk and doing something else. However, the only Friday release I would screen is Jonah Hex, and frankly, I think this movie is gonna suck something awful and I am not going to go watch it. Call it unethical, call it lazy, whatever. I was initially pretty excited when I heard the first deets of Jonah Hex. It’s based on a long running comic book that is actually pretty enjoyable,

It has a solid source, a good cast and so the initial thought was that the movie was going to be pretty cool.

Oh, and that doesn’t hurt the film’s chances. So I was all amped up for a dark, Sin City-esque take on mysticism, violence and the old west. But then more previews started coming out and I was noticing less Frank Miller and more Brett Ratner. And the movie’s fate was sealed when I saw the final poster and what was added to it. I’ll show both the original teaser poster and the final for comparison’s sake.

Here is the original teaser poster. It shows Jonah Hex holding the ubiquitous Colt Peacemaker, Megan Fox with a discreet edged weapon and the whole scene hints at a dark, brooding film with lots of potential. And then, the marketing took a different turn,

Dude, come the f*ck on. The Peacemaker is replaced with some sort of semi-automatic handheld crossbow *dismissive wank*, he is also wielding a crank turned Gatling gun single handed *has not stopped dismissively wanking*. And if you watched the preview you might’ve noticed that the Gatling gun makes its appearance when he has two of them mounted on either side of his horse *sigh* yes…really. John Malkovich appears to be holding a fireball for some reason…where have I seen such a thing before?…

gay.

Dude, any comparison I can make between your movie and Dragonball Z cannot possibly be construed as complimentary. But why the utter change in tone from one poster to the next? It’s really upsetting to think that highly paid individuals saw the ultimate conflict resolution tool, the Colt Peacemaker, and decided it was good but would be better if it was a totally made up semi-automatic, handheld crossbow that perhaps only Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing could appreciate. Even Megan Fox’s hooker with a heart of gold was updated to carry some crap double barreled .22. I couldn’t be more repulsed by the decision to do a 180 on the marketing of the film. Jonah Hex is easily the heir apparent to another super-science fueled western turd…

gay.

Long story short, I will not see this movie…ever. I want the money back that I didn’t spend on a free screening I’m not attending.

When reached for comment on his way out of the Jonah Hex screening, Mr. Obama said: "A semi-automatic crossbow, horse mounted mini-guns and fireballs? Gay. I'll head down to Gulf if I want to see a never ending disaster."

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