A bunch of movies I’m too lazy to review fully

Here’s a quick rundown of some movies we’ve seen lately.

whiteout-movie-official-posterWhiteout: This one did not get a lot of hype and the trailers mislead one into thinking this is some sort of supernatural thriller when that is not in fact the case. This is a straightforward murder mystery type thriller that is good not great. Some gripes with the movie: horrific use of flashback, there is a moment in the movie when we are treated to a flashback of something that we saw on screen not twenty seconds earlier. The flashbacks to Beckinsale’s generic traumatic cop incident that explains her new office in the South Pole are ham-fisted to say the least. Every flashback should have been left on the editing room floor and the film would be better for it. The last thirty minutes or so are exciting (as we’re finally done flashing back to irrelevant events and can move forward with the narrative in front of us) and the movie concludes adequately and satisfyingly (sic). Though, and this point is hard to describe so bear with me, this movie does not feel like a major motion picture. It lacks the grandiose that we have come to expect from cinema, and while I would probably be roasting this movie had it abandoned any basis in reality and tried to be more grandiose there is just something missing here. The plot seems like it would fit better as an hour long CSI or something and doesn’t feel like it deserves an hour and a half and a big screen.  This isn’t a bad rental but no need to rush out for this one.

gerard-butler-gamer-posterGa(y)mer: Don’t see this movie. It only forwards the idea that shaky/seizure/Parkinson’s cam is an acceptable way to make a movie. My thoughts on this movie in incomplete sentences: Gerard Butler is awesome, Michael C. Hall is really awesome, Ludacris can’t act to save his life, the second life scenes in the movie are actually very enjoyable, the director (or plural in this case) suck and overall this movie is lame because the script is stupid.

Here is a scene from this movie that took me very much by surprise and was easily the best part of the movie (sorry for the crappy quality of the bootleg cinematography and sound)

Very cool stuff there. Oh, and when I saw the poster for this one it reminded me of a certain classic horror flick and below I’ve adjusted the poster so the subtle reference to this movie is a little more obvious.

Zombie baby from Dead Alive!!

Zombie baby from Dead Alive!!

jennifers-body-posterJennifer’s Body: While it certainly is not a terrible movie it is definitely not a very good movie. The premise was good, the acting was fine, but the problems for me lay in the script and “horror” aspects of the movie. The Diablo Cody penned script reminds me why I can’t stand Juno and Ellen Page and shame on me for thinking this would somehow be different and better simply because Megan Fox is so hot. The sassy pop culture references stick out like a sore thumb and had me rolling my eyes rather than laughing. It sounds fake because everyone speaks the same way, it would be better or at least not as distracting if only one character talked like this but when everyone talks like Diablo Cody it doesn’t allow the characters to stand out as having their own personalities or make us in any way care for them or miss them after they’re murdered. And I was personally offended by the minuscule amounts of gore and the boring and sparse killings and the total lack of nudity. I am a man! I demand blood! I demand fake breasts! I demand double digit kills! I received none of this. I do not like the trend in movies towards making these contrived horror comedies because what happens is they tend to do neither very well and the movie is unsure of itself and just kind of flip flops between “comedy” and poorly executed (no pun intended) death scenes (I’m looking at you Sorority Row, which I will not even do the service of swiftly reviewing).

This scene was inexplicably cut from the final movie, I knew immediately a woman was helming this film and she wasn't a lesbian and the movie was in deep doodoo.

This scene was inexplicably cut from the final movie, I knew immediately a woman was helming this film and she wasn't a lesbian and the movie was in deep doodoo.


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