Archive for October, 2009
If you are like me then some of your earliest memories of being so excited for late night tv do not involve skinemax but rather a good ole boy named Joe Bob Briggs and some great flicks. Monstervision was the show that taught me to love crappy movies. Monstervision showed me that it is okay to want to watch teenagers murdered by masked men wielding gardening equipment. Monstervision gave me a reason to stay up late and ignore my parents orders to go to sleep. Quite simply, I love Monstervision. It inspired and directed my watching and appreciation for the movies I watch and appreciate to this day. I have only the greatest memories of being up all night watching Monstervision Friday the 13th or Godzilla marathons or Phantasm II.Yea this post sounds a little lame but I really wish that show was still on.
Here is where you can currently find Joe Bob Briggs:
Here are some choice vids to remind you of yesteryear…
Drive in totals were absolutely a highlight of the show. If you haven’t seen Phantasm II this vid makes little to no sense but then if you haven’t seen Phantasm II I don’t care about you or your opinion.
I would include all 15 parts to the commentary from the Friday the 13th marathon but that would be space inefficient. So here is the search results page which should easily bring it all up on youtube for your enjoyment. You’re welcum.
Here we are, back with another shocking career gone wrong. How does it happen that the young and so promising can go so wrong? It’s quite disturbing to be perfectly honest. Today’s subject of discussion/victim…
James friggin Van Der Beek. The bane of every boy who grew up having to hear about how sensitive and cute the guys on Dawson’s Creek were and why can’t you be more like them? Well, Mr. Van Der Beek it appears the shoe is on the other foot as I am the wildly popular internet author du jour and you are doing straight to dvd “movies”.
Let’s take a chronological journey through the career of Mr. Beek. Started out very strong with a bad guy role in the classic teen film Angus. A few other small roles until the proverbial gold mine was found in 1998 with the leading role in Dawson’s Creek. I’m sure most of us unfortunately remember but this was a huge deal for teens and preteens. This show was obnoxiously popular and made Mr. Beek a huge star ready to smash into Hollywood. Next came the starring role in Varsity Blues, you will never hear anything but exuberant praise from me for this fantastic movie so things are still looking good for Mr. Beek. Next up is another starring role in The Rules of Attraction, a movie that I really like and thus am counting this as a positive step in his career. Another leading role in the movie Texas Rangers, which while it sucked balls it starred Usher, Ashton Kutcher and James Van Der Beek so was clearly meant to be an awesome movie with Hollywood’s youngest leading men in it. And then the iceberg struck this Hollywood pleasure cruise. 2003 brought the end to Dawson’s Creek and apparently the end to any interest in putting James Van Der Beek in movies. James, you can make the ugly crying face all you want but that won’t change things. Since Dawson’s Creek has ended his resume reads like a CBS Thursday lineup (and that is in no way a compliment). One or two episode stints on Criminal Minds, How I Met Your Mother, Ugly Betty, One Tree Hill, and Medium. Throw in some tv movie of the weeks and a straight to dvd actioner or two and you have a solidly crappy six years of work. And I just don’t see this train going anywhere but in the same craptastic direction. Good luck Mr. Beek, you’ll need it.
Hmmm, nothing is more enticing and disgusting than a new Saw movie. And obviously I don’t mean disgusting like I don’t want to watch suckas get tortured to death (lord knows I love a good torture/murder) I mean disgusting like this is the sixth fucking saw movie. And enticing because these movies can be really awesome. As long as you define awesome as a movie containing gratuitous violence and profanity.
Saw 1: good but not great, a little overrated in my opinion. Saw 2: Balls, meet chin, as in this movie sucks dick. Saw 3: I may be totally crazy but I liked this movie, gruesome but with an interesting narrative to move it along. Saw 4: Also liked this one a lot. Same strengths as 3. Saw 5: Bad. No me gusta. So only time will tell whether my patience and inexplicable devotion to these movies is to be rewarded.
This I like. Has the potential to be really funny. However, when one mixes Hollywood, the military and comedy us non fart sniffing hippies tend to dislike the results. This movie had better realize George W is out of office and we don’t need to be assaulted with elitist douche comedy (Hi Jon Stewart). Just make a funny picture and leave your politics at the door.
I know the internet is supposed to be anonymous but as a white male who has grown up in a fairly sheltered environment I think I can honestly predict I might understand 5% of the jokes in this movie. It looks really clever and funny but I just don’t think I’m the target audience. It’s like Kat Williams’ comedy, I’ll just have to take your word that it’s funny because I certainly don’t get it.
I promised a follow up piece on Brian Thompson’s performance in Cobra and so I won’t screw around with clever lead ins for this weeks winner. Here he is:
The Night Slasher from Cobra!! Cobra never gets the attention that a movie that badass deserves. It easily stands up with Stallone’s best work and outside of Rocky and Rambo is his most memorable character. The movie is extremely awesome and chock full of badass attitude and violence. Brian Thompson’s performance as the super bad Night Slasher is exceptional and that is why he is getting this week’s nod. While it is obviously based on Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker, to me though, the Night Slasher sounds a little more intimidating because stalking does not necessarily mean attacking whereas the Night Slasher makes it pretty clear he’s going to cut you up with that hard ass knife with the spikey handle. The exceptionally chiseled jaw of Mr. Thompson allows for a scowl that would make even Gregory Peck master of the scowl think twice about his actions. The Night Slasher not only enjoyed giving the business to random civilians but he was in favor of a complete overhaul of society in favor of a new anarchical system. While the movie never gets into the specific politics of the Night Slasher’s proposed societal restructuring I can only imagine it would not benefit those currently drawing Social Security and Medicare benefits.
Here are some of the various disguises used by the Night Slasher during the movie though I must say that no matter how he spins it he doesn’t seem to appear as anything but a really pissed off and really buff dude. I’m thinking disguise or not with his demeanor he’s going to draw attention. But that is what makes him such a good bad guy. He tries to avoid suspicion by dying his hair jet black, slicking it back and murdering people in a hospital. What a dick, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Congratulations on the win. Here are some Cobra videos, the final fight scene with Sly is included along with a random but awesome music video.
Bad Guy of the Week Runner-Up:
Timothy Busfield in First Kid!! While secret service agent Woods makes a damn good effort at being named bad guy of the week by drinking irresponsibly and trying to kidnap the president’s son he goes about it all wrong. His whole creepy instant messenger approach to the kidnapping is what really disappointed me and ultimately lead to a runner-up finish. While it is certainly acceptable to pursue underage kids on the internet via instant messaging it’s just better to be creepy and disgustingly forward with the kids. Take notes while watching To Catch a Predator, these guys don’t fuck around with innuendo and subtlety. They don’t pretend to be anything other than the 35-year-old perverts that they are. Bad Guys of the Week may be bad but they should not be shameful of this fact for it only constrains their ability to act bad. Had Mr. Busfield said openly he was a 40-year-old alcoholic looking for a little fun and revenge and then kidnapped the president’s son he would be a clear winner, but dishonesty has no place in this bad guy hall of fame.
Here is the finale of the movie and note the possible birth of bullet time.
I know this isn’t a video game site and video games are the entertainment of the virgin but I saw something that begs me to reconsider this anti-gaming stance. The trailer for the new Call of Duty game absolutely makes my heart go pitter patter and makes me feel as happy as the first time I saw Cher live in concert gives me a nerd boner. So, here is the trailer.
It’s all good in the hood as the U rolls on to victory over Chief Sitting Proactiv (because Sam Bradford used to have acne, is of Native American heritage and is sitting on the bench) and the leaderless Sooners.
Second awesome story of the weekend:
Big Ben hosting Raw last night was awesome and I just wish they showed Raw on sunday nights to compete with the obnoxious NBC game.
Skip to the 7:30 mark to see the real gold moments and make sure and watch the first linked video too so as to get the full awesomeness of last night’s Raw.