Maybe They’re Not so Talented…

This is a new segment we’re adding to the site and while it will not be a weekly feature it should be fairly regular so let us know what you think (just kidding, I literally could not care less about your thoughts on this segment, I will do what pleases me. If I should decide that photos of my stool is going to be a weekly addition to the site, then so it shall be).

Anyway, this is called “Maybe they’re not so talented” and it will feature actors and actresses whose initial screen successes hid the fact that they were in fact crappy actors and actresses.

Our first actor/victim…

cubaoscar7Cuba Gooding Jr, Oscar winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. Let’s roll through his career chronologically with the help of the good folks at imdb.com.

Things were going fine for Cuba early in the career as he had parts in Boyz n the Hood, the classic show MacGyver, the underrated flick Judgment Night (will be discussed at length later), and in A Few Good Men. Throw in some random other movie and TV roles and you have a resume of a guy that is doing just fine for himself but is certainly not an A List actor. And then shit turned for Cuba in 1996 when he fell ass backwards into cinema gold with his role as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire. This is a pretty sweet movie to be sure and Cuba was good in it.

I’m not going to lie, that scene is pretty legit. Cuba is cool and probably deserved the Oscar (I say probably because I’m too lazy to look up the nominees he beat).

But anyway, things were looking up in the land of Cuba (no not the country, dum dum, they were still sucking the fat chode of communism while we free born Americans were living high on the hog and enjoying cars manufactured after 1960)

This pic was taken like last week in Cuba and pretty much sums up the whips they roll in. What the fuck, Cuba? Get some new shit. But I digress.

This pic was taken like last week in Cuba and pretty much sums up the whips they roll in. What the fuck, Cuba? Get some new shit. But I digress.

Anyway, so next Cuba Gooding stars in flicks like: As Good as it Gets, What Dreams May Cum Come, Men of Honor, Pearl Harbor and Chill Factor. All decent movies…

Thanks, Stewie, for calling me out on adding Chill Factor to the list of acceptable films that Cuba Gooding starred in. My theory is that things went south for Cuba at this point in his career.

chill_factorThis ridiculous excuse for a studio release had something to do with needing to keep (insert dangerous new chemical weapon technology) at a certain colder than normal temperature or else trillions will die all the while evading generic terrorist or traitorous government groups.

Allow me to utilize the Socratic Method to walk you through Cuba’s thought process and help shed light on this shocking career transformation.

Cuba’s Agent (CA): Hey Cuba I got a great script here, it’s called Chill Factor and it stars you and that handsome up and coming mega star Skeet Ulrich.

Cuba (C): I don’t know, I am busy with numerous other projects and it is tough to prepare for a role and memorize lines and really get into the psyche of the character so as to produce a performance that is of a high quality and one that the audience will enjoy and take something from.

CA: What’re you fucking high or something?!?! You’re a gee dee Oscar winner, you don’t have to do that shit anymore! You can get paid a lot of money to do crappy roles that require no thought or effort, and you’ll be the star now instead of simply a supporting actor!

C: Really? Is that how it works? So you mean to tell me I can do less work and get paid more money now that I have an Oscar?

CA: Bingo! Now about this Chill Factor movie I rea…

C: Wait, won’t audiences wise up to this and eventually I’ll be stuck doing TV movies and Hanes commercials?

CA: Cuba, on my life as a Hollywood agent, I swear that could never happen.

And then the shit levees broke and the next films he reeled off were: Boat Trip, Rat Race, Snow Dogs, Radio (never go full retard), Norbit, Daddy Day Camp, Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story (TV movie) and Hanes commercials. If you weren’t sure what some of those flicks were feel free to look them up but trust me, they all suck.

Sorry, Cuba, but you’ve totally wasted all the credit that was extended to you after an Oscar win. And after a Hanes commercial you might want to consider offcially filing for pride bankruptcy, even though it kinda went without saying.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: