Things I Hope To Say Before I Die

After almost getting in a head on collision earlier this morning I thought to myself “There are a shit ton of things that I want to do before I die.” Albeit, I was in my SUV about to collide with a Mini Cooper, so I really doubt I would’ve even been seriously injured. But still, I was taken aback. So I decided I would make a bucket list of sorts, a list of things that I want to say before I die:

  • “You have no idea what you’re dealing with.” Now I’m hoping this comes up in a situation where a person or a group of people is being extremely cocky about a someone or something they are about to face, like maybe someone thinking they can sit through The Happening without throwing up or contemplating suicide (like in the movie! LOL!).

    You have no idea what you're dealing with...this movie blows beyond belief

    You have no idea what you're dealing with...this movie blows beyond belief

  • “Technically we don’t exist.” Self explanatory.
  • “…not exactly Mr. President.” Now this is a pretty big one. First of all I’d have to find myself somewhere within an earshot of President Obama, that could take some effort, or maybe I could go to a smaller country. I’d definitely have to interrupt him at some point, like maybe when he’s at a meal or something he’d be like “Hmm the T-boner steak sounds the best…” then BOOM I chime in.
No exactly Mr. President...you may want to go with a salad, no offense

Not exactly Mr. Peruvian President...I would go with a salad, no offense

  • “We’ve gotta get out of here and I mean NOW.” Ok, so say a group of friends and I are parking to go to Panera, hung over as hell on a Sunday morning craving some delicious chicken salad, and a tour bus of old people pulls up and walks in just before us. Jesus, the last thing I want to do right now is wait in line behind like 30 bags of bones.
We've gotta get out of here and I mean NOW

We've gotta get out of here and I mean NOW

  • “Hey! You’re supposed to be dead…” This situation could actually be kind of scary. Thinking about it I’d either be seeing someone who has risen from the grave, or even worse really offend this person and embarrass myself. Imagine that exchange: Me: “Hey! You’re supposed to be dead…” Alleged Dead Guy: “You thought I was dead? Christ you’re an asshole, I just got a new cell phone number, I didn’t die. Have you been going around telling people I died? You dick.” That’d just be the worst.

Hey! You're supposed to be dead...

Hey! You're supposed to be dead...

  • “I checked their records, they’ve never heard of someone by that name.” Maybe I’m working for a company and running a background check on a new employee and go and break the news to my boss. Uh oh, this guy may have lied on his resume. My supervisor calls him back and tells him “Nice try douchebag, we don’t tolerate liars here at Chuck E. Cheese.”
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