Upcumming Films You Should Be Excited For

Here’s a few movies that are going to bust heads and impregnate miners minors when they are drop kicked by Hollywood right into your baby maker.

Halloween 2: No Josh Hartnett and no LL Cool J, now I know what you’re going to say “But without the two leads from Halloween H:20 how can you expect your movie to be halfway legit?” And I also know what you’ll say in response to that, “Didn’t they make two Halloween movies since Halloween H:20, why are you still referencing that movie? It sucked.” Okay, to answer the latter question first. Fuck you, Halloween H:20 was awesome and that’s why I bring it up, you’re the one who sucks. Back to the first question, Robaire Zohmbie has stupidly removed Hartnett and Cool J from the cast but wisely added all time creep Brad Dourif (voice of Chucky, duh. If you didn’t know that, get off my website.) to the cast. Now prior to the current economic downturn the conversion rate of Cool J’s and Hartnett’s to Dourif’s was a matter of simply glancing at a conversion table and saying “no deal, I’ll keep my Cool J’s and Hartnett’s.” However, with the drastic devaluation of Cool J’s (as evidenced by a recent Old Spice endorsement) and the bottomed out value of Hartnett’s (as evidenced by the jack shit he’s been in since about 2005) Mr. Zohmbie is cashing in at the right time to make those Dourif’s cover a gaping hole in the talent level. Okay so that last bit was stupid but the trailer looks sweet. Zombie is going to put out a kickass horror movie to be sure, check this one out.

The Final Destination: Yes, they pulled a Fast and Furious on us and simply added a “The” to the original title to avoid the stigma of a “4” at the end of the title. But why? The Saw people don’t give a shit, those movies suck and they’re shamelessly shoveling out Saw VI this fall. As the mantra around the Saw producer’s office goes though, “Suck my ass and profits, quality filmmaking.” If you go back and watch the first Final Destination it actually is a lot better than you may remember, its genuinely creepy in parts and makes an effort to be interesting, different and well made. FD 2 takes a shit on that formula and just goes for the jugular with grotesque and cringeworthy death scenes…and I loved it. Same with FD 3, poorly acted and written, throwaway characters that are clearly only in the film to be killed off…and I loved it. And after how awesome the 3-D ass kicking fest My Bloody Valentine was, I’m all about 3-D teenager killin’. The gory demises of annoying bad actors + the third dimension + nudity (I’m just assuming) + someone getting the business end of a broken escalator = A movie I’m getting super wet for.

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