Bad Guy of the Week

I’m here to announce this week’s winner of the coveted Bad Guy of the Week award. And it will be announced without some jagoff emcee demanding the crowd bang on the table for a drumroll and then inevitably not being satisfied with the crowd’s first effort and dragging it out longer, here’s a hint cock breath just announce it don’t make me bang on a table for five minutes to find out which blowhard won employee of the month. Your winner:

All male pattern baldness jokes aside, the man is quite devious

All male pattern baldness jokes aside, the man is quite devious

Herman Varnick, D.V.M. Yes, the evil veterinarian from Beethoven.

When scouring the annals of movie bad guy history for candidates it is important to keep a few things in mind about what makes a good bad guy and why Dr. Varnick meets and exceeds expectations. First and foremost, the man tests explosive ammunition and pharmaceuticals on family pets. There are thousands of dogs and cats across the country in pounds that are going to be put down anyway and would be good candidates for such torture, but where is the sport and cruelty in that Dr. Varnick often says. His scheme has him tricking families into thinking the beloved family dog needs to be put down then murdering the animal with experiments. Kind of a dick move to be honest.

Have you ever heard a bad guy speak? Well in case you haven’t its always a very deep voice and laced with hatred of women and disdain for minorities. Listen to the beginning of this clip and tell me Dr. Varnick doesn’t sound like a man that enjoys a good seal clubbing:

Sorry the vid won’t embed, link over to youtube and enjoy watching this criminal mastermind at work.

Another issue with Dr. Varnick’s little racket on animal testing. Where exactly does the money come from? With other crimes there is a clear incentive structure that makes the risk of jailtime worth taking. If he was trafficking heroin or cocaine I would say okay there’s a lot of money in that, I see why he is doing this. If he was stealing the dogs for the purpose of dog fighting you could say well that’s a sport of sorts and the house would make money on all the gambling so there is your income.  But with dognapping I don’t see where the illicit income is from. There is no demand for “hot” puppies, FDA regulations are far too strict for pharmaceutical companies to get away with back alley drug tests and besides the physiological and neurological differences betweens dogs and humans make those trials almost pointless. Also, what bullet company needs proof of what a bullet does to a skull, I think years of field testing in the South Central Los Angeles area has provided fairly accurate conclusions on that subject. I have to figure that a Veterinarian with his own practice and as many patients as he appears to would make far more money than a dognapper. If that’s true then Dr. Varnick is doing this for fun and that’s pretty ballsy.

I have to applaud a guy that just says, “Yea I enjoy ballistics tests on family pets. What of it?” That is why Dr. Varnick has been awarded a well earned Bad Guy of the Week trophy.

P.S.

Can you believe I wrote this whole post about dogs, even mentioning dog fighting specifically and did not make one Michael Vick joke. Bet you were just waiting for it and then it didn’t happen, well listen here haters, there will be NO M Vick jokes on this site EVER. He’s a loving man and a kind soul. This picture is for anyone who utters an unkind word about Bad Newz’ favorite son,

Suck it, haters

Suck it, haters

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