Archive for July, 2009

Coen Bros. Save Traylors for the Day

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 30, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall
The Coen Bros. have revitalized Tractor Traylors for today

The Coen Bros. have revitalized Tractor Traylors for today

 

Thank God for the Coen Brothers. I completely forgot to post the trailer for their new movie A Serious Man in the earlier post. And since the other trailers sucked I decided to post a cooler picture of Tractor Traylors with this post, but don’t worry this is just a one time thing.

Pretty bad ass, I love the repeated head pounding throughout the trailer.

Tractor Traylors

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 30, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

 

Wait, how old is Miley Cyrus again?

Wait, how old is Miley Cyrus again?

First up, Wes Anderson’s The Fanastic Mr. Fox. A stop motion with the voices of George Clooney and Meryl Streep. Before I watch the trailer I’m already kind of skeptical…

pass.

Ok, next is The Burning Plain with Charlize Theron (super hot in Mighty Joe Young, go rent it, Bill Paxton’s in it too) and Kim Basinger, who has apparently returned to Earth after vanishing for a couple years (she peaked in Wayne’s World 2).*EDIT* Ok I just watched the trailer, f that I’m not posting that crap on this website, instead I’ll post this picture.

 

My two favorite things: Charlize Theron's right boob and Charlize Theron's left boob (I bet you thought I was gonna say Charlize Theron and giant gorilla, smart ass)

My two favorite things: Charlize Theron's right boob and Charlize Theron's left boob (I bet you thought I was gonna say Charlize Theron and giant gorilla, smart ass)

MOVING ON, is Spread with Ashton Kutcher where he plays a douchebag in LA, wow this must really be a stretch for Mr. Demi Moore. A chance for him to really show off those acting chops. 

Now the only reason I posted the trailer for Spread and passed on The Burning Plain is because Spread looks hilarious because it’s like Mr. Demi Moore decided he wanted to be all intellectual and deep and do a dramedy, and judging by the trailer it’s going to bllllooooowwww.

Movie Review- The Collector

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 30, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

Here’s a review of the Friday release, The Collector.

the-collector-poster-1In Short: The movie has a really great premise and excellent effects but really relies much too heavily on that and fails to follow through with little things like plot, character development, and a sensible conclusion. The Collector is entertaining and the death/torture scenes are more than acceptable, however you won’t want to think too hard about this one because there are quite a few giant plot holes. Don’t rush out to see this one but if you like the genre then you won’t hate it, but you won’t really like it too much either. 

 

This is me leaving the theater unsatisfied and confused.

This is me leaving the theater unsatisfied and confused.

Full Review: The Collector starts off right by setting up the standard operating procedure of our bad guy. Next we are shown the future victims at home readying to go on a peaceful family vacation and our leading man as we see he has the standard troubled marriage and cute daughter that he really wants to do right by. Blah blah blah. We’ve seen this set up before and it doesn’t really matter to be honest because their backgrounds, names and motives don’t effect the outcome of the movie or the rather short rest of their lives.

And thus we arrive at the stormy night where shit is gonna go down. So I’ll spare you the full details but suffice to say there are some rather gruesome scenes that should satisfy the bloodlust of even the most devoted horror fan.

But here is my first major gripe with The Collector. Good premise of being trapped in the house with unusual traps and a creepy looking killer and good effects on the murders. But the makers just completely relied on those things to carry this film through very unspectacular scripting and directing. The movie has an uncertain and somewhat repetitive feel to it. We see Arken run upstairs to try and escape, be unsuccessful, then run downstairs when the killer comes up after him then back and forth again. There is no clear flow to this movie which in this case makes it feel random. But the randomness mostly comes from the audience never being told exactly what the purpose of any of the killer’s actions are. He collects people for purposes unknown and we are not told why which makes you leave the theater with too many questions that a better script would have answered. In this case, leaving things unknown does not add a scary but of randomness but makes the movie confusing and senseless.

Spoiler alert and plot hole rant. The movie is really cool with all the traps but let’s break that down for a second. First of all why are none of the killers added door locks locked when Arken breaks in? They are locked the rest of the movie and the killer was already there and working when Arken arrived so there is no reason they should have been unlocked because there is no way the killer knew Arken was going to try and burglarize the home that night. Next problem, what is the actual purpose of the traps? The family is home in the afternoon and leaving for vacation later in the evening. So one assumes the killer grabbed them before they left because that is where they were being tortured so it makes little sense to kidnap three people elsewhere and take them back there. So he kidnaps them and then spends what must be hours rigging intricate, expertly engineered traps and installing extra door locks, but why? The family is already chained in the basement, are you assuming that you are an inept guard and they will escape and the traps are for them? Or perhaps you assume someone will break in and the traps are for them? When you think on it, all the traps that are set are totally unnecessary. Which pretty much shoots the entire chilling premise right in the kneecap. 

So after a series of gruesome deaths and some gratuitous nudity the film concludes with one predictable plot point after another until ending basically exactly like Saw. The ending is so cliched that it is not exciting and thankfully it doesn’t drag out for too long. Also, for some reason the filmmakers decided to blast techno music so loud during some of the action scenes that no other sounds are really heard and the scenes come off silly and pretty limpdick. It would’ve been nice to see some better sound editing that would have made some of the pursuit and fight scenes more engaging and frightening.

So there are a lot of problems but there are also some positives (The nudity and the kills, duh). Overall, I’d skip this one because it definitely isn’t worth your hard earned 10 bucks on Friday night. But if it rains and there is a matinee showing it wouldn’t be the worst thing to go see.

Octomom Getting Her Own Show

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 29, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

goo, no wonder she's big on in vitro fertilzation

goo, no wonder she's big on in vitro fertilization

I remember reading about this a couple months ago when the Octomom was all over the news and it looking like it was just hearsay. Well apparently Octomom’s lawyer has announced his client signed a contract in May with a production company to film a reality series about her and her FOURTEEN children. Honestly, it couldn’t be any worse than half the crap on TV today (i.e. Dating in the Dark, Dance Your Ass Off, Two and a Half Men). What kind of scum bag would represent her crazy ass?

Oh I guess that makes sense

Oh I guess that makes sense

Things I Hope To Say Before I Die

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 29, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

After almost getting in a head on collision earlier this morning I thought to myself “There are a shit ton of things that I want to do before I die.” Albeit, I was in my SUV about to collide with a Mini Cooper, so I really doubt I would’ve even been seriously injured. But still, I was taken aback. So I decided I would make a bucket list of sorts, a list of things that I want to say before I die:

  • “You have no idea what you’re dealing with.” Now I’m hoping this comes up in a situation where a person or a group of people is being extremely cocky about a someone or something they are about to face, like maybe someone thinking they can sit through The Happening without throwing up or contemplating suicide (like in the movie! LOL!).

    You have no idea what you're dealing with...this movie blows beyond belief

    You have no idea what you're dealing with...this movie blows beyond belief

  • “Technically we don’t exist.” Self explanatory.
  • “…not exactly Mr. President.” Now this is a pretty big one. First of all I’d have to find myself somewhere within an earshot of President Obama, that could take some effort, or maybe I could go to a smaller country. I’d definitely have to interrupt him at some point, like maybe when he’s at a meal or something he’d be like “Hmm the T-boner steak sounds the best…” then BOOM I chime in.
No exactly Mr. President...you may want to go with a salad, no offense

Not exactly Mr. Peruvian President...I would go with a salad, no offense

  • “We’ve gotta get out of here and I mean NOW.” Ok, so say a group of friends and I are parking to go to Panera, hung over as hell on a Sunday morning craving some delicious chicken salad, and a tour bus of old people pulls up and walks in just before us. Jesus, the last thing I want to do right now is wait in line behind like 30 bags of bones.
We've gotta get out of here and I mean NOW

We've gotta get out of here and I mean NOW

  • “Hey! You’re supposed to be dead…” This situation could actually be kind of scary. Thinking about it I’d either be seeing someone who has risen from the grave, or even worse really offend this person and embarrass myself. Imagine that exchange: Me: “Hey! You’re supposed to be dead…” Alleged Dead Guy: “You thought I was dead? Christ you’re an asshole, I just got a new cell phone number, I didn’t die. Have you been going around telling people I died? You dick.” That’d just be the worst.

Hey! You're supposed to be dead...

Hey! You're supposed to be dead...

  • “I checked their records, they’ve never heard of someone by that name.” Maybe I’m working for a company and running a background check on a new employee and go and break the news to my boss. Uh oh, this guy may have lied on his resume. My supervisor calls him back and tells him “Nice try douchebag, we don’t tolerate liars here at Chuck E. Cheese.”

My New Favorite Commercial

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 28, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

Alright so the commercial opens up on a rainy night, at the tail end of what appears to be a first date. Awww cute, he’s walking her to the door… AND he used his jacket to shield her from the cold rain! What a gentleman! 

“Ya know, I just got out of a bad relationship…” hmmm

“It’s ok.” OMG, could this guy be any greater?! And then he gets a goodbye kiss, and they say chivalry gets you nowhere these days? I think our friend there just scored a peck on the cheek out of that. Ok now we get another creepy shot from inside a parked car. Hmm where’s this going? You think the “bad relationship” thing was foreshadowing? I don’t know…I’m kind of skeptical, I mean the commercial started out so cute and innocent.

K, our knight in shining armor has been played off by creepy, foreboding music and the shot of another male, I don’t think this is going to end well for little miss prude.

*20 sec. mark* KAPOW, is this guy on the SWAT team or something, I mean Jesus he just did that after walking through the rain. Like he couldn’t have got good traction against the door and yet he still bashed the door in. That’s impressive, too bad he appears to be a vengeful sociopath.CUE ALARM!

“GET OUT!” aaaaand he’s gone. Well that was rather uneventful, you thought he’d at least let out a primal scream or something like “YOU WHORE!” 

Dispatcher: “Is everything ok?”

Stupid girl: “No, my ex-boyfriend just kicked in the front door…but luckily he’s very obedient and a great listener, so when I told him to get out he just turned around and left.”

Also, am I the only one who thought Broadview Security headquarters looked a little over the top and high tech? I mean I know sometimes people’s lives are at stake when dealing with an alarm system, but do they get government funding or something?

The Broadview Security staff at headquarters

The Broadview Security staff at headquarters

Bad Guy of the Week

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by brundleflyonthewall

In the words of Tone Loc, “Lez do it”…

Your winner of this week’s Bad Guy of the Week…

bloodsport(1)Chong Li from Bloodsport!! This is one bad Chinese dude. Mega buff, super tan, uber mean, and wicked good at kung fu. What the hell else do you need to know about Chong Li? He gets pissed off, rages and kicks helpless asses for a living. He’s in the business of beating the shit out of posers, and business is indeed recession proof.

Take a look at Chong Li in action,

Wow. What a supreme example of pounding anus. Where some men wake up in the morning, put on a suit and go push papers all day; Chong Li tells the woman he’s with to quit performing fellatio, then straps on a head band and kicks asses for six to seven hours before returning to his crib to resume being being pleasured.

What makes Chong Li such a formidable opponent is his desire to not only win the match, but to maim or permanently incapacitate his adversary. He also cheats a lot which is a very bad guy thing to do.

Someone is about to have their ass handed to them in one of those chinese food boxes.

Someone is about to have their ass handed to them in one of those chinese food boxes.

Bonus clip of the entire final showdown between Frank Dux and Chong Li:

Savor the flavor of those eight minutes of cinema history.

Bad Guy of the Week Runner Up:

Your not quite the baddest bad guy of the week is…

johnny lawrenceJohnny Lawrence from karate Kid! We’re sticking within the realm of karate movie bad guys with this one and I really struggled with whether Mr. Lawrence was bad enough to win the award (though not this week because he doesn’t hold a candle to Chong Li). What it really came down to was the fact that Johnny Lawrence is mean and the bad guy in this movie but he really isn’t all that mean, more of a douche. Douche bags don’t throw sand in you eyes to make it easier to kill you or break your best friend’s spine for shits and gigs, that’s bad guy stuff. I feel like with Johnny Lawrence if you just convinced his parents to not pay his credit card bill or something you would effectively break him and that’s what holds him back from winning a bad guy of the week award. That and this picture:

We're here and we're queer

We're here and we're queer.

This is not a picture that a bad guy of the week would ever be found in. This picture is of four best friends at a karate tournament that they probably cannot legally drive themselves to. Chong Li doesn’t have any friends to even take a picture with. If he did have friends, he would sleep with their women and take pictures of that and mail it to them and all their co-workers. That is his definition of friendship. So point is, Chung Li= Bad mother fucker and supreme champ of all things bad, Johnny Lawrence= kind of douchey.